me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You Might Also Like
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.