devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
stand with me against insufficient seating
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Time for evil
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”