Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My new favorite headline
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.