what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.