If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.