a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Van Gone
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!