A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
.. do you even science?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
#ParentingFacts
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.