13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
this could fix me
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.