Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.