How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
every college guy’s fridge
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me My dog