11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Name another movie that mislead you?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
moms in horror movies