I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I’m about to risk it all
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Seas the day!!!!
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him