[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.