I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork