My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
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@funTweeters I am at your service….
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.