[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.