I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The Backseat Boys
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows