Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒