I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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my dad has had enough
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
the short answer to this question
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.