the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER