Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
You Might Also Like
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
rise and shine we got egg
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
HERE’S MARKY
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds