as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
how to market bottled water to dads
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have