My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
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Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
good for her
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.