I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.