I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
LOL!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Holy shit he’s back
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Thursday
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?