Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Discuss
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.