imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Cardio Made Easy
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.