I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I love it all
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Whoa 😂