The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
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Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank