8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*