If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I already tried new things thanks.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”