You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Thursday Thought.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!