Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
(Gaming support cat.)
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.