My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.