Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything