The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.