You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Holy shit he’s back
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Merry Christmas
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off