Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?