Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’