Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.