All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Born to be mild.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Going into Monday like
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
😆this is so true
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.