*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
crying
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think