Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.