I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
You Might Also Like
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
ok like just. call me at this point
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
A game married people play.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.