News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I want to meet the individual who made this
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Check out the legs on this baby
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.