A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?