If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*