I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.