what the hell pray for carter everyone
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”