Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Butt weight. There’s more!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Midwest trash talk
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.